Over the year we’ve been sharing stories of mental health and recovery from our community. Here we share the beautiful reflections of Rachael, who was brave enough to contribute her story to this project. Thank you Rachael.

What do you wish to share about your mental health journey?

I have experienced an eating disorder, anxiety and depression to many variable degrees throughout different periods of my life. I want to share snippets of my journey with people, and in particular aspects of life I now see differently, particularly on the other side of an eating disorder. I wish for people can find hope in my story, know they are not alone so other people can come out the other side.

By what name do you call your mental health experience (i.e. do you refer to your diagnosis or use other terms to reference your specific mental health circumstances)?

Usually when I talk to people about my mental health experiences, I refer to it as ‘my’ mental health, ‘my’ anxiety, ‘my’ eating disorder or ‘my’ stress leave depending who I am talking to. Ultimately it is mine and is my story. I am thankful for my mental health because it has shaped who I am today.

I have been able to let go of thoughts that were not healthy for me, and recognise unhealthy conversations. Without these thoughts getting to a stage that evolved into an eating disorder, I may never have sought the help I needed to realise I am worthy of many things in life, including love. For this I thank my mental health experience.

What has been your experience of help seeking?

When I first came to terms that I had a problem and I needed help, I was hugging a toilet trying to vomit because I had ate too much. I called the Butterfly Foundation. It was raining and I was sitting in my car, parked under these beautiful autumn trees in Canberra in tears. I remember telling the lady on the other end of the phone about my binge eating, and she replied ‘your poor body’. I liked her response.

Yes, my poor body, what was I doing to it. I couldn’t stop myself though. We didn’t chat for long before she recommended I give Jacqueline (Wings and Quill) a call. It took me a couple of days to call Jacqueline. When I did, at first, I didn’t want to speak to Jacqueline over Skype. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this. I was too ashamed! As I started to get to know Jacqueline, I felt more and more comfortable with her to fully open up about my feelings. Since first starting to talk to Jacqueline she has helped me through my eating disorder journey, a period of time of high anxiety and at times mild depression.

Even now, I feel somewhat silly writing all three of these things down, however I now know these mental health conditions can often go hand in hand. I always loved Jacqueline’s analogies. One of the first analogies she told me was imagine if you were going out with yourself, she said “how long would the relationship last?”. This really spoke to me. I would never put up with someone else talking to me the way I talked to myself. The analogies really helped me make sense of what I was going through.

Jacqueline influenced me most with working out my values as a person, figuring out who I am and where I want to be. This ultimately helped me figure out what is important to me in life – my family – and changed my direction to move closer to home.

How long have you experienced mental health challenges?

I started recognising my mental health challenges five years ago, however, looking back on my teenage years I was most likely experiencing mental health challenges back then too, in particular around my eating and body image. I often had distorted thoughts about my body; I remember thinking – ‘I won’t eat today because it will make me look skinny when I go out’, or ‘I will never get a boyfriend, unless I am skinny’. Back then I didn’t even know these thoughts were distorted. Today they are unrecognisable.

What do you think recovery is?

I used to think of recovery as a destination – I thought one day I will be recovered and that will be that. However, with mental health I have realised that it is a fluid thing. My mental health changes with work, social occurrences etc. My mental health experience is also part of who I am, it has made me a more empathetic and sensitive person and I like that.

Today, I don’t have an eating disorder and I rarely have distorted thoughts around eating and body image. When I do have the occasional distorted thought, I am able to quickly shut them down. Almost like when someone says something you don’t agree with (i.e. something racist) and you’re disgusted at it – that’s what I am like with my own distorted thoughts now. When the binge eating stopped, I was still exercising a lot, conscious of my weight.

Only in the last year and a half have I let go even more – I eat when I am hungry. If I feel like an ice cream, I have one. I rarely think about ‘good’ foods and ‘bad’ foods – it is a natural process and in proportion. I walk, but not because ‘I have to’ to lose weight. This has been huge in my recovery. I do Pilates because it helps me relax my thoughts. Not once have I thought about how it is also going to benefit the way I look. I do these things because I like them, not because I have to.

My focus on doing one thing that is kind to me each day, really helped me shift this focus. My one thing could be going for a slow walk to look at the birds, making myself a nice cuppa, reading a good book. This time is for me, not to lose weight, not to look good on instagram and not to impress anyone.

I know my values have changed around eating and exercise, because I can pick up on other people’s thoughts that now don’t align with my own thoughts anymore, such as ‘we have to go for a walk now that we ate that ice-cream’ or ‘I’m on this new diet’ or ‘I’m cutting out sugar this month’. When these conversations come up in my group of girlfriends, I try to make a positive comment, and quickly change the subject.

I consider myself recovered from the eating disorder because I no longer have these thoughts. I didn’t want to be in my fifties, still thinking about my next diet to lose weight, or trying to get back to a smaller weight. I am there – yay! I no longer have these thoughts, and it is amazing. I’m not scared I’ll go back there either. I do put on weight, and lose weight depending on the time of year, stress levels or holidays. For example, every Christmas I probably put on a couple of kilos – I know and think ‘this is normal’. I trust my body is the weight it needs to be, at this point in time. It regulates itself; it doesn’t want to be overweight. I have accepted when/if I have kids my body might have a different ideal weight in mind, and this is fine too.

I do often have moments or days of anxiety and sometimes depression. I often get worried about the world and it’s future, and about my future and about not doing enough with life. Being a high performer/self-determined person I am, and always have been, my toughest critic. I can however focus this in really positive ways, to help people and help the environment.

What role has hope played for you?

Once I realised I had an eating disorder, I was certain I would overcome it in time. This hope and positivity meant I keep trying even when I did have moments of lapse.

What role has creativity played for you?

Creativity is about trying something new and thinking in different ways. For me I have been creative by using problem solving to come up with alternative solutions at work. Physically, over the past few years I have tried many creative things such as painting, drawing, colouring in, stand-up paddle-boarding, yoga and Pilates. Anything that relaxes my brain is a good thing.

I write regularly in my journal, which is a great way to get my story on paper, and I also enjoy writing short stories often relating to my own experiences. Getting things on paper helps me think them through, take a step back, and think more rationally about what I am feeling. I would recommend it.

What have you found is most misunderstood about your mental health?

When I have opened up to friends/family about my mental health, I have been surprised at how many people have understood what I have been going through, especially anxiety, but even eating disorders. Most of my girl friends in some way can relate because of the pressures our society puts on us, things you see on instagram, on the news, magazines etc.

When people haven’t understood, I always remind myself that it would be hard to understand without going through it yourself. Just like when my friend broke up with her boyfriend in high school, she was so upset she couldn’t leave the house for days. At the time, I remember thinking ‘oh well she is better off without him’ – not a big deal right? It wasn’t until I went through my first hard break up three years later; I thought ‘no wonder she was so upset, this really hurts!’ Mental health issues are a bit the same. Until people have gone through it themselves, it’s hard for them to relate.

Do you share your mental health experience with others?

For the first year and a half, Jacqueline was the only person that knew of my eating disorder. I hadn’t told anyone. The first person I told was a girl friend who opened up about her own struggles with anorexia. We were on a road trip, through central Australia and I remember it was on sunset when I asked her what helped her through her own journey. She said ‘doing one thing each day that was for me.’ At the time, there weren’t many things I did for me. If I went on a walk it was because I ‘needed’ to loose weight, or a green tea was because I heard it was good for metabolism. From that point forward I tried doing one kind thing for me each day, because I wanted to, not because I felt like I had to. As discussed above, this helped me a lot.

Slowly I told more people, firstly only if they were open with their own mental health challenges with me. Today, I am open with what I have been through with most people. I find it amazing how many of my friends have experienced their own mental health battles, particularly around self-image and eating disorders. It is always warming to hear how they too have grown through their stories. Other people I talk to about my story are going through their own struggles at the moment. I think they appreciate knowing they are not alone and sharing my experience also helps with my own recovery. The hardest people to talk to about it are my own family, and closest friends. Often I might tell them about my anxiety, but not my eating disorder. I find anxiety is more understood for people that have not experienced an eating disorder.

What have been the biggest hurdles for you in getting well?

Myself! I am the biggest hurdle in my mental health struggles. I am my harshest critic. Being kind to myself, and letting go of negative self-talk was incredibly difficult to overcome. What helped me get over my negative thoughts was firstly recognising that it was negative self-talk and pulling myself up on it. Secondly, I started a journal over a period of time where I would write down one thing each day that I liked about myself, was grateful for, or something positive that I had accomplished that day. I also deleted my social media accounts for a period of time, which helped me focus on me and not constantly compare myself to that of others.

What do you think your future will look like?

As I am writing this, our next-door neighbour is having a farewell for his wife of 33 years, who recently passed away from cancer. I can still hear laughter from their home, with their seven children and grandchildren coming from all over Australia and the world to be with one another. It makes me think life is short. I am reminded of this all too often. For me, I want to make the most of this short life we are all fortunate enough to have.

In the future, I want to travel Australia with the love of my life and our kelpie. This has been on my first bucket list I wrote when I was 8 years old (at the time I also wanted to be a lolly pop lady – I am not sure how my self-determined personality would cope with that these days). I want to be near my loved ones – my mum, dad, brother, grandma, aunties, uncles and cousins. They are all very important to me. Going through my mental health journey and working with Jacqueline on my values reinforced this. I love being outdoors, I feel whole, happy and calm in nature. Listening to and spotting new birds excites me. It scares me our world’s biodiversity is in trouble and I want to make a positive impact on this world. We only have the one world, and I believe we need to care for it more. I have the ability to do this in little ways.

I am excited to do all this while loving myself and being kind to myself. I am excited to continue growing a stronger sense of myself, who I am, what my values are, and what’s really important to me. As I mature I realise this is more about family, love, positively, nature and equal opportunity. It is less about what I look like. I have always been an overly sensitive and also very driven self-determined person, as such; I understand anxiety is normal part of my everyday life. Thank-fully going forward I have tools to help with this, it is still a struggle at times, however I can recognise the positives this can be in life. My partner, friends and counselling services are always there to talk things through.