The experience of an eating disorder can be dualistic, a sense of opposing selves and values. So often for someone experiencing an eating disorder or disordered eating there is a sense of fragmented self. A sense of holding more than one view, wish and desire within life. The stress of a dichotomy between these opposites can dissolve any sense of internal trust and knowing. As if the very nucleus of that individual’s being is stretched in an internal tug-of-war.

Self-compassion is often suggested in guidance to wellbeing, in recovering from an eating disorder, disordered eating or body image stress. Self-compassion presented as kindness to self, and even self-friendship might ease anxiety. Certainly at this level, self-compassion is immeasurably helpful, potentially reducing anxiety and uplifting mood so more supportive and nurturing behavioural choices could feel more approachable.

But self-compassion can dive much deeper into the dwellings of these core beliefs, the roots of the patterns that result in pain and disconnection from self, and into disordered eating. Self-compassion can provide an excavation of the origins of these patterns of self-separation, and self-disregard.

Consider that the pained part of self (perhaps an eating disorder), is an essential part of self. That like an embryo dividing, at some point the whole of a person begins to categorise into different ways of being. But we must remember that both ways of being can feel true and important for that person. This part of someone who has fractured off of the whole and created unhelpful ways of coping is still very much an essential component of one’s true self.

However this fragmented part might be very much rejected by its owner. A shadow and a light that separated. If we disown, deny and seek to abandon a fragile and needy part of self that already feels so unsafe in the world, we reject and punish our very self.

Eating disorders do not possess someone, they are not a psychological tumour. Not an invading foreign body that is effecting an otherwise fully functioning organism. A more helpful analogy might be the back pain that comes from misaligned posture. A symptom of a way of operating that wasn’t working, and cannot work if recovery is to be sustainable. It is not about getting fixed, but becoming whole again; and self-compassion is the binding which can coordinate this reconnection. Eating disorder behaviours are a symptom of a system in dysfunction. The symptom is not a natural or authentic expression of the person within. However the part of the system which created the symptom is very much a part of the person, and very much in need of compassion.

For so many when an eating disorder feeling, thought or behaviour is noted, there is a backlash of self-reprimand, rather than noting the symptom (thought, feeling or behaviour) as an unmet need coming to the surface. The part of self that is misaligned, is still a part of self. A part that had strong needs, but what it identifies as its needs aren’t often constructive to wellness. Like a child who is overtired and exhausted, refusing to go to bed on time and asking to stay up late and watch TV. As a caregiver of this child you understand that the child is tired and exhausted, and that they need sleep, rest and comfort. They need to feel safe, receive clear and consistent boundaries but feel validated and met in their experience. The child might disagree in the moment and become even more upset, truly believing that all they need to feel better is to stay up and watch more TV. But as the loving carer who can see beyond their anxiety in the moment, you know how to guide them, and do so with love and compassion.

The part of self that wants immediate needs met is regressive. It is childlike in its emotional experience. It lacks confidence in its abilities to cope. It wants to escape, to have a fantasy, to run away and to hide. It doesn’t feel ok going through the motions of the day to day without a mechanism of regulation. There is nothing wrong with the fact it feels like this. Its reflections and perspective are wise and full of information.  Many want to charge forward and without this thing holding them back. Relationships, career, energy levels, health all may be ‘perfect’ without this thing continuing to get in the way. But it is what is holding someone back so often, that holds so much wisdom. The ways it has to cope may not be so helpful, but that tap-on-the shoulder hesitation to go forward, the seeming self-sabotage, might get in the way of choices that would be unsustainable, and at some level often actually does have an agenda of self-protection and self-preservation.

If the fragmented self can be held in this way, a curiosity and valuing of its position can open up. An interest in what it has to offer, what it can teach. From this place a response can be invited which keeps the whole person safe, but is met with gentleness and warmth. Self-compassion of this depth starts to deepen into offering a whole new dimension of support. At this level, self-compassion invites integration. The self doesn’t have to split and battle internally in the same way and can start to reconnect and operate symbiotically once again. With one part communicating with the other part, no part has to rebel, split off, or hijack to get heard. One part supports the other, guides the other, and shadows come into the light.

Self-compassion allows for acceptance of the whole self, but also knowledge of the whole self. We can’t accept, nor care for, what we don’t want to know is there. When our loved ones are imperfect we are often much kinder and more accepting of them then we are to ourselves, perhaps because we see them as a whole person, rather than compartmentalised criteria of various acceptability. We understand their strengths and struggles. We don’t expect them to be faultless. We care about them and want full wellness for them.

For many experiencing an eating disorder knowing of self can be disjointed, categorical and disconnected. This is only possible when there is a lack of integration. When we make files of our life components, rather than living fluidly and authentically. Self-compassion is the yoke that brings what has separated together again, and from this our ultimate self and capabilities can radiate. But from this place of self-compassion it won’t even matter what it looks like on the outside, because inside feels like one whole home.