How would you describe where you’re at now in recovery?

Recovery for me now is generally just a part of my life now. Overall it’s not so hairy, scary or confronting (although there are hard days, yet this is the case for anyone, whether they suffer an eating disorder, another mental health disorder, or are just human because we all feel emotions!) Recovery for me now is challenging negative thoughts, defying them and acknowledging them, yet letting them have no power over my life.

The negative thoughts that arise are now completely different to those of earlier stages of recovery, which really does illustrate that although recovery may feel like a long and hard path, it does get better, even
when you think it won’t. Recovery for me currently is the process of learning to let others in and show my vulnerable side.

As some say, ‘a problem spoken is a problem halved’. It wasn’t until I began the process of voicing my feelings and confiding in my loved ones that I realised just how closed off I was from the world. By allowing others in to help you, it really does ease the pain. I am now trying to normalise having negative emotions and showing no shame of having suffered from a mental illness. Recovery is also a way for me to share with others and hope others struggling can feel less alone.

What are three things you have learned about yourself/the world in recovery?

1. That you have to talk to yourself in a way that you would talk to a friend or loved one.

No matter what you are going through you have to tune into a kind thought, no matter if you have to fake saying it or not. Would you have certain friends in your life that constantly picked at your flaws, dragged you down and made you feel horrible? The answer should be a certain NO! If you wouldn’t talk to your loved ones in that way then don’t talk to yourself like that. You have to practice complimenting yourself, even when it feels silly, unbelievable or untrue. Be your own friend, kick that mean girl out the door, and even if she is still there, acknowledge her and throw yourself a compliment, fight back!

2. This is a typical key phrase that you hear people further along in recovery and health professionals say but it is true, ‘recovery isn’t linear’.

I never really grasped this concept and I suppose it goes against my perfectionism but it’s true. Recovery is accepting yourself completely, even your disordered thoughts. It’s realising when you are slipping up and not hating yourself for it. You are only human. No matter what we go through in life, our emotions are fluid and ever changing, so of course during recovery there are going to be set backs, slip ups and relapses. But it’s not about this, it’s about how we choose to move forward from these challenging times. It’s about choosing yourself, acknowledging what’s going on and using past experiences to push you through. It really is about accepting that it’s okay to mess up. In the times where I have chosen to be kind to myself during these setbacks, it has actually helped me move forward, whereas when I have beaten myself up over these events, I am only causing further complications for myself. You're only human, remember that!

3. That the further I move along in recovery and reflect on what I have been through, the more I understand just how determined and strong I am.

By looking back on my darker times, it really proves to me that I am determined and that I have the ability to
put this drive into positive aspects of my life, and I can achieve whatever I put my mind to.

If you could go back to talk to yourself at the beginning of recovery what would you tell that version of you?

I honestly don’t even know, well I do, but I know it’s extremely difficult to get into the mind of an unwell person. Everything I would tell younger me, I was probably told, and none of it I would’ve believed, BUT….. here we are.

Firstly I’d want to shake the goddamn hell out of her and tell her to open her damn eyes.

Secondly I’d want to hug her and cry because I’m so sad someone would be acting in such ways and feeling so depressed. And thirdly, I’d tell her that not only is she beautiful, but she’s so much more than that. She is kind, compassionate, honest, funny and driven. I’d tell her how proud of her I am and that the courage and strength she is showing to persist and get by is phenomenal. I know how petrified her eating disorder would be of all the things I do now, but I’d tell her that the great thing is, when she gets to this point, those unimaginable things that she thought would kill her, saved her and that life is not so scary anymore.

What are some things that were helpful in recovery?

• A change of routine. Going away for a few days with a loved one, clearing the head and getting out of the place where your vicious cycles can take place, really does help, you just have to be prepared for when you arrive home too though.
• Nature. Get out and enjoy the outdoors. Sit in the sun, feel the wind in your hair or read and book by the beach or in a national park. Enjoy something simple for a moment and just be.
• Yoga. Learning to move my body in a calm and fluent way, accompanied by mindful breathing really was a pivotal point for me. Learning to care for my body, leaving it feeling healthy and rejuvenated, as opposed to overworked and sore really did wonders for me.
• Writing. By getting all the nasty stuff out that I couldn’t bear to share with anyone, and also tuning into the positive stuff gave me the opportunity to heal through stress release as well as finding gratitude. Try writing 3 things you’re grateful for everyday before bed!
• Reworking your social media. I have made the conscious effort to go through and sort out my Instagram in order to change how it affects my headspace. I had to start following pages encouraging positive mental health, unfollow anyone who’s feed makes me question my own worth or makes me compare my life to, and realise that I don’t need to showcase anything to an online platform. I am actively trying to create a safe space where I can share whatever I like without feeling pressure, as well as to consume only things that have purpose and hold positive meaning in my life.
• This one came so much later for me, but is probably the most important, opening up and acceptance. By letting down some of my walls surrounding my flaws, toxic mindset and insecurities, it allowed me to talk to my nearest and dearest about things I thought no one could see that were troubling me. The truth was, all of those that loved me already saw that these things got to me, and I was in denial. By opening up your vulnerable side to the people who are closest to you, it allows deeper connections to be made, which for me, is and continues to be a source of healing. 

Why do you think you were able to make progress in recovery?

Support, determination and resilience. Recovery doesn’t come easy, and it never will. It’s ongoing and it really sucks. But if you tune into your true self, guaranteed you can find a little part of you that desires change. All you need is that little push and slowly you can change your life. For me, realising that I can’t keep putting my family through a living hell was my turning point. I knew that even if I couldn’t fight for myself, I had to fight for them, because I mean everything to them and they mean everything to me. Over time, I realised that I deserved a better life too.

3 words to describe your ED?

Twisted, untruthful and manipulative

Are there any gifts/ lessons that you are grateful for from your ED experience?

So many….. My ED has literally made me the person I am today and I’m so proud of that. Obviously not
it’s nasty side, but I know that I don’t bring this nasty side into other aspects of my life and it has only hurt me personally.

My ED has taught me so many wonderful things, the most important would be that you have to be vigilant with other people’s feelings, and to understand that people are often putting on a facade in order to shelter their true feelings. This has made me so much more compassionate and kind, as you never know what someone is dealing with behind closed doors, and your kindness could make someone’s day, or on the other hand, if you are lacking love, you could break someone’s day.

What do you think is commonly misunderstood about EDs?

SO MUCH. Honestly the list could go on forever! Like anything, unless you go through an experience yourself, it’s extremely hard to comprehend a situation. All I know is that an EDis completely different to its perception, it’s literally a form of an addiction, and I know that deep down no one with and Ed values that part of their life or wants to hold a place for it. No one chooses to develop and ED.

If you could give a message to someone going through an ED right now what would you say?

My heart is breaking for you. But you are strong, you are loved and you can turn your current situation around. It won’t be easy, but it is the best choice you will make in your life.