How would you describe where you’re at now in recovery?

I’m at a place in recovery where I always hoped I would be but wasn’t sure I would ever get to. I feel at peace with my body, food and exercise and feel so grateful for my body and all the amazing things it allows me to.

Do you believe full recovery is possible?

Yes! While I still struggle with my body image on occasion, I’ve achieved food freedom and no longer constantly think about food, my body and exercise, nor do I always ruminate or feel guilty over everything I eat and when I don’t exercise.

What do you think your ED was here for?/ why do you think it might have happened?

I think my ED might have happened because of so many underlying beliefs I held about myself and the world that manifested on the surface as an eating disorder. I never felt good enough for myself or others, held myself to incredibly high standards, had perfectionist tendencies and had very little trust in my mind, body and the world. I used food and exercise as a way of gaining control, ‘reducing’ my anxiety, feeling ‘safer’ in my body and coping with the world.

What are three things you have learned about yourself/the world in recovery?

1. Diet culture is everywhere!
2. My weight is the least interesting thing about me
3. I am resilient, strong and courageous and I can handle whatever life throws at me

If you could go back to talk to yourself at the beginning of recovery what would you tell that version of you?

I would tell her that she is safe in her body, her feelings and thoughts are valid, she is loved, people will not stop liking her if she gains weight, and that while recovery might be hard, on the other side of it, you have never been happier.

What are some things that were helpful in recovery?

I journal almost every day. From my thoughts, feelings and worries to things I’m grateful for, affirmations and any experiences I have. It is so cathartic and relieving to write everything I’m feeling down on paper.
Practising kindness, forgiveness, and affirmations with myself has also been helpful. I am the only person I will always have with me, and I needed to practice telling her that she was enough as she was in that moment.

I found some incredible communities on social media that had been through the same thing I had and had come out the other side and were reminders that recovery is possible and that I am so much more than my appearance.

Why do you think you were able to make progress in recovery?

I have an amazing family and group of friends who were so understanding, patient and kind with me. It can be so hard to talk about your ED and what’s going on in your head, but talking to my mum, some of my best friends, and Jacqueline, helped me more than I could ever express to any of them.
I love life and I knew that my ED was holding me back from experiencing so many things. I was freezing cold all the time, made excuses to not see my friend and was so riddled with anxiety, guilt and vulnerability that I missed out on so many things. I was determined to get back to making the most of every experience I was given.

Why do you think people often find recovery so painful?

You’re letting go of your coping mechanisms that you feel are protecting you, so it opens you up to feeling vulnerable and feeling all the things your ED has been trying to ‘protect’ you from. I felt like I was being judged every time someone looked at me and that made it hard to be able to change my behaviours.

Three words to describe your ED?

Persistent, exhausting, hurtful

Are there any lessons/ growth that came from your ED experience?

While I would never wish an ED on anyone, now that I am at peace with my past, I’m grateful that this happened to me. I’m proud of the person I am today, and I have learnt so much about myself through recovery. I never realised how resilient, strong, and courageous I am, and I feel much more prepared for what life throws at me. Through recovery and therapy, I understand myself and the thoughts that run through my head so much better. Through my recovery and therapy, I’ve also realised I want to be a clinical psychologist and am so passionate about it! I think this experience was meant to happen to me so that I could find my path forward in life and be stronger for it.

What do you think is commonly misunderstood about EDs?

ED’s, especially anorexia, are so much more than someone trying to change their weight and appear a different way. It’s not because people are superficial and obsessed with the way they look. There are so many factors going on under the surface that manifest as eating disorders.

If you could give a message to someone going through an ED right now what would you say?

You are so strong and powerful, and you are so much more than what your ED is telling you you are. Recovery is possible and life without an ED is absolutely worth it.