How would you describe where you’re at now in recovery?

Right now, I feel as though I am as close to recovery as I have been in the past 10 years. Even though I still have eating disorder controlled or centred behaviours, they feel manageable. It feels as though I could sustain these behaviours as I am still enjoying my life and feel much less controlled by these behaviours. This isn’t true recovery for me though. I know I still have to continue to recover but I know I am getting closer and it is harder to let go of this newfound freedom.

Do you believe full recovery is possible?

I do which is more of a recent belief. I can now see that full recovery is possible even though I have no idea what that will look like or feel like. It has always been an incomprehensible thing to imagine being free on my eating disorder because I don’t know if I ever truly have been but it’s exciting. I’m at a point where I don’t want to hold onto my eating disorder and can’t wait to live a life completely free from it.

What do you think your ED was here for? / Why do you think it might have happened?

I believe in a sense my eating disorder saved my life before it almost ruined my life. My eating disorder was the only way I was able to get through my parents divorce and living with a mother who has been through her own mental health journey. Beyond that though, it helped me get through life. It was my coping mechanism when I needed to be strong, it helped me remove my own emotions from a situation to get through it and it helped me reach the unrelentless standards I set for myself. My eating disorder was my shield, it was my energy and effort to keep going, to keep pushing myself when I think my legs would have collapsed if I let them. My eating disorder was my way of fitting into the world even though I knew this wasn’t truly me.

What are three things you have learned about yourself/the world in recovery?

Something I have learnt and continue to learn is that it is okay to trust myself and have confidence in my decisions no matter how small they may be and that someone’s reaction to me or my news is a reflection of themselves and their beliefs, not mine. The third thing I am still learning is how to communicate and set boundaries for myself particularly when I think I may let someone down. This is what I am most grateful for because it’s allowing myself to express and understand how I am feeling.

If you could go back to talk to yourself at the beginning of recovery what would you tell that version of you?

You can do it. Recovery is really a series of small steps that continually build and become easier. Don’t think too far ahead, just think about the meal in front of you and that all you need to do is take one bit of a time.

What are some things that were helpful in recovery?

Reminders on my phone for mealtimes were a big one! Being organised with food for mealtimes helped and learning to rest when I needed. It always helped in the early days of recovery to think of myself as someone who has an injury for example a broken leg. I needed to look after myself because I was seriously ill.

Why do you think you were able to make progress in recovery?

The continuous support I was given from the people around me. My then boyfriend who was the most incredible support who helped however I needed day in day out for years, my friends, family and my team. I am very fortunate to have such supportive people around me who wanted to help even when I chose my eating disorder over them. I also reached a point where I finally wanted it for myself and at the time it wasn’t necessarily to live a full life but because I was spending my early twenties in and out of appointments, hospital and going to bed worried, I might not wake up. I decided that wasn’t going to be my life.

Why do you think people often find recovery so painful?

In recovery you are throwing out your entire belief system and every coping mechanism you have ever used. You are rebuilding yourself from the ground up psychologically, physically and emotionally and the three do not work together or at the same speed during recovery.

3 words to describe your ED?

Relentless, ruthless, selfish

Are there any lessons/ growth that came from your ED experience?

My ED experience taught me how to find my voice again. It also gave me the chance to learn to deal with my emotions and not suppress them which has helped my life in every way.

What do you think is commonly misunderstood about EDs?

It is definitely misunderstood how life threatening they are. I didn’t realise this either until it was life threatening to me. Also, that they are anaesthetic illness which in part may be true on the surface level, but there are much deeper and painful reasons for someone experiencing an eating disorder. I think people believe you have to look a certain way to suffer from an ED or males aren’t affected by them.

If you could give a message to someone going through an ED right now what would you say?

If you’re unsure whether to recover:
There really is no other choice. Your ED won’t choose you; it will choose itself and use you to do so. The life you’re living right now is not full, wholesome or close to the life you are worth living. Deciding to recover is scary and it is hard but when you reach certain steps you realise it can be worth it. Time is going to pass no matter what so why not look back in 6 months’ time and think ‘I’ve made some progress by choosing myself’ instead of being worried about whether your next GP visit will put you in the emergency room. Find a reason to recover and hold onto that for the day’s things get tough. You can do it and it is possible.

If you’ve started your recovery journey:

Do your best to keep moving forward, however that may look for you because it is so much harder to start recovery again then to keep moving forward. Comparison will also be detrimental to your recovery. Don’t compare your recovery journey to others, comparison is the thief of full recovery. If you can, definitely speak with others going through the recovery experience as it can help you realise and understand you are not alone. However, remember that every journey to recovery is different, much like every ED experience is different, the same way everyone’s needs in this world are different. You’ve already made it this far, just keep going. You will get to a point where you realise how much progress you’ve already made.