In our bigger, better, faster world, we tend to focus on seeking beginnings. We look for how to bring more into our lives; perhaps try to gain more friends, work opportunities and even money and possessions. But if we keep gaining without releasing we end up feeling overwhelmed and stuck. We have more than we can use and might become burdened with the attention all these functions in our life demand.

I once heard the idea of throwing out a piece of clothing you no longer wear, before buying something new. This creates mindfulness in deciding if we really want that new top – and it also prompts us to let go of something we haven’t worn for a long time or maybe no longer even like to wear. I think this idea can be used as a metaphor for many aspects of our life. In this blog I want to focus on what this looks like when applied to relationships.

In my practice, I hear how common it is for people to stay engaged with friends and family connections that are based on obligation, fear and conflict avoidance. These connections are for the most part draining, dreaded and unhealthy for both parties. Sometimes it is important to let a relationship end, or at least negotiate very different means of connecting to someone you might have once been closer to.

There is certainly value in the quality of loyalty, and I am not suggesting we cut ties at every crossroads or difference of opinion. However, too often I hear people working from an assumed notion that because they have a long-term connection with someone, (or even because there is a sentimental connection with someone) they have to put up with mistreatment, give more than is healthy for them to give and essentially maintain a connection that may be making them sick. We can be attached to the story of a relationship (e.g. we have been best friends since kindergarten!) and this can blind us to the reality of what it has actually become.

Long term friendships and family are very special aspects of wellbeing and are connected to our sense of fulfilment and resilience in life. But when the other party isn’t able to hold your growth, if they have taken an incompatible life philosophy or lifestyle that makes interaction unhealthy – or if they just can’t recognise and honour healthy boundaries – these benefits of long term relationships aren’t going to be available anyway. You will be feeling tired, confused, perhaps even triggered to use old behaviours and coping strategies that hold you back. This far outweighs any benefit of calling someone a long-term friend or fitting the picture of a happy family.

Relationship transitions don’t have to always mean an absolute ending. It might mean holding your boundaries even if that person is pushing and encroaching on old territory they used to be able to access (and sitting with the reaction from them that this is likely to expose). It might mean seeing that person less often, and when with them only sharing parts of your life that are safe for you to be vulnerable with. Sometimes it will mean letting more distance develop and perhaps allowing a more permanent disconnection. It doesn’t devalue the relationship for the time it existed if it does come to an end. To the contrary, knowing when to respectfully honour an ending can preserve the quality of the connection that was had. Otherwise resentment and miscommunication start to poison what may have once been a positive aspect of your life. Endings can be a sign of growth, which is a positive thing for both of you.

We have opportunity to meet and connect to many people throughout our life, and letting go when it is appropriate can mean you have space to make new and perhaps richer connections when the possibility presents itself. If you have been thinking of someone in particular while reading this, it might indicate that part of you knows it is time for a change in this relationship. It might be time to let go of some under-worn, mis-fitting and uncomfortable ‘outfits’ in your relationship wardrobe before you try to add in anything new